Dr. Doom Dissects an Eyeball

From: "Brother"
To: "Marin" (et al)
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 7:09:55 PM
Subject: Eye Dissection

Hey Guys -

As a preferred younger sibling, Victor got to go to CJ's class last week to dissect eyeballs and CJ's teacher just posted this picture on her blog. Pretty cool.

-B

*************
Sometimes when you have an older brother, the world is a much cooler place.




Go ahead... click for big.

Dr. Doom and the Tongue of Steering

Now for something completely different.†

Friday was Dr. Doom's birthday. As My-Former-Sister-In-Law-Let's-Just-Call-Her-Elizabeth‡ had the boys starting Friday, our side§ of the family celebrated Thursday night.

The nephews got their Nintendo 3DSs that night. Tallest Hairiest Nephew is going to have a meager birthday in August,¶ but I suspect he thinks it's worth it.#




This, by the way, is a family trait††:




†FOOTNOTE (crossed): Thank goodness. The whole dead cat thing was too grey to leave at the top of the page for too long.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): Anybody want to start a pool on how long I will continue to think that's funny? Also note, that's what I call her when I talk about her IRL. Like, with my mouth.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Plus the Wicked Stepmother, who I suspect is her own side.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): The boys also got golf clubs, and since we're heading into golf season, THN got all his big birthday presents Thursday.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): Mostly because he said, "AntiM, you've made me the happiest kid in the whole world!"

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): His grandfather would have you believe it came from his grandmother's side, but I have pictures that would prove this is a homozygous congenitality. I may have just made that last word up.

Guitar Hero

So I finished† the Guitar Hero Sweater,‡ only a month late.§

[SUMMARY: Go AntiM! Take your excuses with you!]






It looks lovely and serene sitting there on the hanger, doesn't it? But we all know you can't get the real sense of a guitar sweater without seeing it on its intended owner.

[SUMMARY: Quiet moments are fleeting.]

Tallest, Hairiest Nephew¶ knows the rules established long ago by his father: you have to take one nice picture...




...so you can get to the squirrely shot.#




My favourites may be the unguarded moments, like when the nephew is concentrating REALLY HARD†† on the solo from "Come As You Are."‡‡




[SUMMARY: It's hard to pose when you're focusing that hard.]


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): If you don't count the fact that I had to take it back and make the sleeves looser and longer, which only took a couple of hours.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): And posting it, posting knitting, just like I promised last week when I was begging money. A good saint-in-waiting always keeps her promises.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): I had a hand injury and the sun was in my eyes and it didn't get cold enough for a sweater until last week anyway.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): Now that the mohawk is gone, he's back to Tallest and Hairiest.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): Totally punk, no?

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): I can't believe he missed the tongue-sticking-out gene.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): He has the hook totally nailed, but the solo takes his undivided attention.

Life, the Universe and Everything

Brother and I were talking on my birthday and he mentioned this was my Life, the Universe and Everything birthday.†

"I didn't think there was anything noteworthy after the Jesus birthday,‡ but there you have it."

[SUMMARY: For some, passage of time is noted in literary reference.]

My birthday dawned clear and vodka-soaked, as Kelley took me out for brunch,§ then to The Cooler¶ for a shitty canned beer.

I'm not being mean. That's how Kelley phrased it: "Can I buy you a shitty canned beer?"




I cheerfully mark this a white trash beginning to the day, what with the chicken and waffles breakfast and the shitty canned beer chaser.

The gifts were anything but white trash:




Tokyo Milk is a local company recently featured in The Moment in the NY Times. The owner of the company hand-sparkles the packaging.

Of course, I'm mostly in it for the skulls.




[SUMMARY: Skulls are key.]

The evening celebration was certainly more high brow. You'd expect no less -- it was Brother's turn to entertain me.#

We started not with shitty canned beer, but with the first grape Wine Spectator ever awarded a perfect 100††:






As an aside, Brother eschewed wine until about five years ago. Now he's a frickin' snob.‡‡

[SUMMARY: Reformed sinners...]

The first thing Tallest Hairiest Nephew said?

"I'm not your hairiest nephew anymore."§§




We're going with Tallest Spikiest Nephew until he shaves his head for the big swim meet in August.

Dr. Doom is his usual doomy self.¶¶




Monday, Dad and Brother were taking me to dinner.

Let me take you back in Marin history: when I was young and we'd be in a tourist trap or a Hallmark store^ and we'd see a display of personalised [ fill in the blank ].

Mom or Dad would chirp, syrup and unholy glee coating their sarcastic voices, "If you can find your name, we'll buy it for you."

I have led a life deprived of Marin license plates for my bike and Marin pencils for school.

Monday this package from Kim$ arrived just in time...




...for me to wear this button to dinner.




But the pièce de résistance##:




It's a SENSATION in the office.

Touched and grateful doesn't *begin* to cover it. A lifetime of cruel lack was wiped away in one UPS delivery.

[SUMMARY: MARIN!]

Dad and Brother surprised me with a field trip to my favourite neighbourhood Italian restaurant, Mikey's.†††

Dad and Brother had their backs to the window. I was across from them. It wasn't long before my obvious distraction distracted them.

"Sorry. I'm trying to figure out how many misspellings are on that stupid sign behind you. Pet Emporium and So? Pet Emorium and So? The paw prints are supposed to be Os, right?"




They both looked. We all marvelled. It never made sense.

The next day, my client looked at it and said, "I got it! Pet Emporium and Spa.*"

[SUMMARY: Stupid sign.]

Dad's fiancée sent a present.




This is not a present from Peach, mind you. It's a present from her cats.‡‡‡






[SUMMARY: I am not making any of this up. I have photographic proof.]

Now, this isn't *all* the birthday what's fit to print. It's all the birhday I photographed and offloaded. There's the delightful present the nephews got me,§§§ a sassy perfume from Juno¶¶¶ and a truckload of divine chocolate### from my often-Number One Bad Influence%, Nathan.

Stay tuned@...


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): 42, as if I have to explain.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): 33, which may need more explanation than 42 in my crowd.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Chicken 'n' waffles with a side of bloody mary bar -- hence, the vodka soaking.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): A place with about 100 canned beers on the menu, ranging from $2 to $8.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): Because the man who coined the term "dick chakra" is nothing if not high brow.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): I asked for a straw.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Per our conversation that evening, he does recognise this is an occasion wine, but one that probably would't get him laid.

§§FOOTNOTE (turn around when you're three, turn around when you're nine): Brother's nine-year-old self is SO jealous of TSN's nine-year-old self.

¶¶FOOTNOTE (Bambi eyes): Doom has never been so sweetly goofy.

^FOOTNOTE (careted): To-may-to, to-mah-to

$FOOTNOTE (cashed): Kim is so money, and I certainly hope she knows it. *mwah!*

##FOOTNOTE (le pound pound): French for "shiznit."

†††FOOTNOTE (speaking of Jesus): Which is neither in my neighbourhood anymore, nor is it still called Mikey's. Same owner/chef (he's a French-trained Algerian who looks like a compact Andre the Giant and used to wear wife-beaters in the restaurant. We *love* him.), same menu, now called Roma Roma and situated in a strip mall in sunny Arvada.

*FOOTNOTE (asterisked, imagine that): Read: Pet Em[paw]rium and S[paw]. Yeah, I know.

‡‡‡FOOTNOTE (cat scratch times three): Yes, they say, "meow" in the bowls. Yes, they have cat heads on top. They weight about six pounds, collectively and are beautiful pieces of work.

§§§FOOTNOTE (the creeping heebie-jeebies): Hint: "Dad, what's AntiM most afraid of?"

¶¶¶FOOTNOTE (upright citizen): The bottle is worth the price of admission.

###FOOTNOTE (pounds and pounds of chocolate): Which I'm trying to figure out how to artistically photograph so it doesn't look like I've eaten 26 lbs of chocolate in the last week.

%FOOTNOTE (percented): Nathan and Juno just keep leapfrogging each other. They should either be honoured or very, very ashamed. For the record, I don't believe either of them is much prone to shame.

@FOOTNOTE (atted): Is this like crying wolf at this point? Do I need to re-earn your trust?

Let's Talk About the Weather

This was yesterday:




As part of the ongoing cycle of extreme weather, we had hail.

And torrents.

And urban flooding.†

Hail isn't kind to plants. The basil gets muddy and trampled...




And the cucumbers get shredded and even impaled on their own stakes.‡




And yet, The Little Tomato That Could powers on.




Now, I'm very proud of my little tomato. Watching it is not unlike watching Tallest, Hairiest Nephew when he was just discovering vision and movement; I could sit with him for hours watching him watch everything.§ Now I watch The Little Tomato That Could intensely, aware of every little hair and every hint of a new leaf, every colour change and every growth spurt.

But I also saw Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and I'm wondering at man's folly¶ in creating a tomato strong enough to blithely withstand a hailstorm.#

[SUMMARY: Plants are almost as scary as robots if you do it right.]

Today, the tell-tale darkness blotted the sun and I ran out to put one of the deck umbrellas over the tender plants†† to save them from possible impending hail.

For those of you unfamiliar with Denver's weather plane,% there is a large-scale weather rotation called the Denver Cyclone that occurs when winds coming off the Palmer Divide meet the currents of the Platte River Basin. When heat and moisture are high enough, rotational thunderstorms that can lead to hail and funnel clouds are the result.

This is a rotational thundercloud that‡‡ became a high funnel cloud just down the road.§§

ETA: It's more fun if you wait 'til the buffering finishes, then fast-forward it. Nobody really needs to watch a full minute of slow boil.




Always an education here at the Rickety Blog.

Kids: don't try this at home. This was the work of a certified lunatic and should not be attempted by the levelheaded.

Back to you in the studio, Jim.


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): A catch-phrase almost as popular as "Doppler Radar" on today's weathercast.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): Not a stupid sparkly one among them.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Well, and play with him as one plays with a cat. Altruism only goes so far before one needs to entertain oneself.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): By which I mean "my folly."

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): I would like to point out that this is a wholly organic tomato, grown by wholly organic means in organic soil and organic compost, fed organic tomato food... I learned *something* from the movie. Also? I worry that The Little Tomato will rebel in its teen years and eat nothing but McDonald's and petrochemicals because I was so strict with it in its youth.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Using a remarkable system of deck rails and bungee cords. Bungee cords are the new duct tape.

%FOOTNOTE (percented): Let me be your weatherdork, baby.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): I believe.

§§FOOTNOTE (twister!): They had to evacuate Coors Field (three miles from my house) during a baseball game. In my fantasies, the funnel cloud that precipitated that is the one I recorded.

A Casa Bonita con Doctor Fatalidad†

You may have heard of Casa Bonita.




You may have heard that I went there last week for Dr. Doom's birthday.‡

Ah, Casa Bonita, giant pink adobe palace of the Queen City of the Plains.




For those of you out of state and unfamiliar, here is what Casa Bonita is all about§:




Tallest, Hairiest Nephew had just learned about the history of Colfax¶ in school that day, so he hipped us to some Casa Bonita facts:

1. Casa Bonita was built in 1973 and opened in 1974.
2. At a cost of $2 million.
3. With no blueprints used.

I find it a little frightening that a place with so many levels and a giant water feature in the middle was built without blueprints.




Casa Bonita has many, many live entertainment opportunities. Cliff divers, shoot-outs, wandering mariachis.




It keeps kids completely enthralled.




Until weaponry is offered.




Anyway, the purpose of the whole debacle was Dr. Doom's fifth birthday.# He requested an Army theme,†† so we had masks and helmets. I believe you've met Brother and Tallest, Hairiest Nephew.‡‡




I'd like to introduce you to the Peach, Dad's fiancee.§§




And I had to ask the FSIL@ if the cake was professionally done¶¶ because wouldn't this be an excellent Cake Wreck?




Of course, everything looks better by candlelight.##




Even Dr. Doom has that soft glow.




Once the candles go off, of course%...




There is a gift shop at Casa Bonita.†††




It looks about like you might expect a gift shop at Casa Bonita to look.




There is also an arcade at Casa Bonita. Apparently, Spider Stompin' is the Whack-a-Mole of the new millenium. If they came out with Spider Stompin' for the Wii, I could probably have the legs of a fencer.‡‡‡




Remember my rant about mash-ups? Not all mash-ups are bad.




†FOOTNOTE (crossed): Yes, I looked up "doom" in the English-Spanish dictionary.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): Because I made a *huge* fuss about it.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Note the part where anybody over two has to pay $15 for a really, really bad taco salad to be at Casa Bonita.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): I'm making the assumption they didn't include the hookers and blow part of Colfax in that. Then again, as my friend Jeff says, "If you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and umption."

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): As he got in the Land Cruiser to go home, he said, glee painting every inch of his voice, "I can't *believe* that I'm FIVE!" Go on... make "awwwww" noises.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): It appears the days of Disney Princess Death Match are behind us. Dr. Doom now has a disdain of all things pink and girly. I like to thnk that secretly, in the dark of night, he says good night to each of them, Walton's Mountain-style.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Note the family resemblance.

§§FOOTNOTE (§hingles §uck): Dad was not, sadly, in attendance. I will believe to my dying day he got shingles just to get out of eating Casa Bonita "food."

@FOOTNOTE (atted): Former sister-in-law. Y'know... like FSO, only slightly less likely to drunk-dial at 2:30 in the morning.

¶¶FOOTNOTE (baloons and artillery): While the balloons were done by a professional baker, the tank candles were all eBeth.

##FOOTNOTE (the number of times I got it wrong...): Don't try to pretend you're not floored by the artistic majesty of this photo.

%FOOTNOTE (percented): Then again, my flash-phobia leads to some pretty unmajestic work, so maybe it's a wash if you aren't floored by the artistic majesty of the candles but manage not to be wholly derisive about the wiggly, grainy shots.

†††FOOTNOTE (Easter's *over*): Of COURSE there's a gift shop at Casa Bonita.

‡‡‡FOOTNOTE (tracks of my tears meets tears of a clown, leaving tracks of my clown): Which would go nicely with the swimmer's arms I have hanging in the basement. *rimshot*

Lent: Day 1

Forewent† Diet Pepsi at lunch.

When nice little Japanese lady at Tokyo Express said, "So good see you 'gain. Have special treat for special customer,"‡ and handed me a ramekin of candied walnuts,§ I smiled, thanked her and schlepped it back to the office, where I handed it off to Hans. Hans made inordinately appreciative yummy noises.

Joanne pointed out that I had chicken and, as it was Ash Wednesday, I wasn't supposed to be eating meat. I pointed out I'm not actually Catholic.

[SUMMARY: In which I publish my dorkitude.]

Passed up wine at Annie's.

Passed up amaretto/almond cheesecake at Annie's -- the kind that Hector says she didn't make for him until after they were married, but if she had made it while they were dating, he would have proposed to her on the spot. All book club attendees made inordinately appreciative yummy noises.

[SUMMARY: Sainthood is no primrose path.]


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): I started every sentence with "I had to..." then thought the better of it. But "...had to forego" is an easier construct than trying to figure out the past of "forego." It's residual, small-scale martyrdom.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): For the record, the three people in line who ordered while I was waiting for my lunch did NOT get candied walnuts. I really am special.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): When Tallest, Hairiest Nephew was pretty young and just starting to parrot what we said, I made him a treat from my childhood: pie crust cookies. I used a tiny duck cookie cutter to cut tiny duck shapes out of extra pie crust, then sprinkled them with cinnamon and sugar and baked them. When they were done (and tiny ducks hardly take any time at all to bake), I put them in a ramekin and presented it to him as a ramekin full of ducks. We taught him to say, "ramekin full of ducks." That was one of the best days ever. And it beats all hell out of having to give up a ramekin full of candied walnuts.

My Rose Royce Saturday

Productive. I was productive, I tell you.

Here's the license plate before I washed the car†:




Perhaps this gives you an inkling as to why I finally bathed the poor thing. As Tallest, Hairiest Nephew has been known to say, "AntiM, she does *not* want to be a jeep."

I completely failed to get after pictures,‡ but did take pictures from inside the car wash.§






Jackson Pollack got nothing on me.


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): I actually took this picture to prove my tags were at one time up-to-date, as I had to pay a larger-than-necessary fine when the 2008 sticker came off the car. I was very careful to wash, rinse and dry the place where the 2009 sticker would go and it still came about halfway off. So I Gorilla Glued it.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): I worry one doesn't get one's full complement of saint points if one doesn't have proof of one's good works.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): You're welcome.